How to Resolve Conflict in a Relationship?

Conflict arises from an imbalance between two forces, much like when two magnets are positioned to repel each other instead of attracting. In relationships, this imbalance manifests as a power struggle between two people with differing desires, essentially facing away from each other.

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship because we all have different values and needs. Sometimes these align, and other times they do not. When my values and needs don't match my husband's, we experience conflict. Our anger gets triggered, and an argument is likely.

However, I've learned to manage my anger effectively. I know what I want and can communicate this clearly to my husband. After 26 years of marriage and being a positive anger expert, I know a thing or two about resolving conflicts.

Here are a few basic tips to help you resolve conflict:

Become Anger Aware

How do you know when you're angry? Anger often arises in response to others' actions, words, or behaviors, and it can also be triggered by deep-seated hurts, fears, or past traumas.

For example, road rage is often displaced anger from unresolved past issues. Reflect on past arguments: were you angry at the person, the situation, or something else entirely?

Ask yourself:

What is it that angers you?
What outcome do you want?

What Outcome Do You Want?

When you disagree with someone, what are you trying to achieve? Do you shout or sulk afterward? Consider your desired outcome:

Do you need to be right?
Do you want to learn and grow?
Are you seeking to argue?
Do you want to resolve and improve the relationship?

Be honest about your hopes during a disagreement.

Communicate Positively

When couples communicate their anger positively, their relationship can grow stronger.

Take ownership of your feelings using “I” messages instead of blaming or attacking. For instance, if your partner forgets to take out the bins and the garbage collectors have already come, avoid saying, “You never listen to me,” or, “You always say you’ll do something and then don’t.” These are “you” messages intended to attack.

Instead, use “I” messages like, “I feel angry when you say you’ll do something and then don’t. This makes me feel ignored and unheard.”

To Summarise

Conflict occurs when something misaligns with your values and needs, triggering primal anger. Become aware of your anger, know what you want, and use “I” messages to communicate effectively.

A strong and positive relationship is like magnets facing the right way, with equal power, attracting and sticking together.

Want to explore this further?

Click my book below to get your own copy and Learn more about anger and how to communicate it assertively without causing further conflict; both with yourself and with others.