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Do you ever look at old pictures and wish you could go back to those fun times? But were those moments really as perfect as they seem?
Think about it: We usually take pictures when we're happy - we don't take photos of the tough stuff we're going through.
When this picture was taken, I was on holiday with my girlfriends and getting ready to go home. I really didn't want to, as I was living in a home where there was a lot of violence, and I was so scared to go back. But I made a promise to myself: within a year, I was going to live in Mallorca, and I did it.
But let me tell you, it wasn't easy. I had to run away. I had to escape from the violence and the control of my mum. So, at just 19 years old, with my boyfriend John, (whom later became my husband), we packed a few things up and escaped to Mallorca, where we found jobs and made a life for ourselves.
This picture shows me with my boss at the Oasis Pub in Magalluf, Mallorca. I might seem cheerful, but behind that smile, I was hiding a lot of fear. I was worried that my mum would somehow find me in Mallorca and force me to go back home.
She even went as far as trying to involve Interpol to bring me back, but since I was an adult, they couldn't force me to leave.
Skipping ahead a few years, let's get back to the point of this post: how we often look back on good times with rose-tinted glasses.
You see, shortly after I gave birth to my second son, I experienced a major psychotic break (read a little more about that here).
I don't remember much from that first year of my son's life. Most days, I was simply lying down, drained from emotional and psychological exhaustion, just like you can see in this photo. But thankfully, John was there to hold us all together (more on this later in the post).
I remember feeling like I had to ‘get up,’ ‘pull myself together,’ because, well, I had kids to take care of. So, even though I was still really sick, I pushed myself to do something—I decided to go after a degree and get a job. Looking back, it seems a little crazy, but at the time, it felt like the right thing to do.
In this picture, I was smack dab in the middle of my college degree, but also in the thick of dealing with my mental health battles. Despite how happy I might seem in the photo, I was really struggling.
Back then, I was having debilitating panic attacks, feeling really sad all the time, and even having moments when I didn't feel like I was in touch with reality.
I look back and wonder how I pulled it off—finishing my degree, diving into a new job, getting myself dressed and dolled up each day— all while wrestling with major depressive disorder and psychosis (plus, little did I know then, dealing with autistic burnout).
On the outside, I seemed like I had it together. I was showing up at social gatherings, being a mum, and just doing what everyone else seemed to be doing. But inside, it was a whole different story.
My college buddies and I decided to play a prank and ‘kidnap’ our principal as a fundraiser for children in need. Looking back, it strikes me how beneath that mask (with me standing next to our principal taped to the board), I was battling feelings of sadness, anxiety, and loneliness. There was a lot more going on behind the scenes than what the photo captured.
Adding to all of that, I carried around this heavy feeling of guilt - constantly - because John was shouldering all the responsibilities at home while also holding down a full-time job. Looking at these pictures of my husband with our boys, I can't help but think he deserves a medal for everything he went through during that time.
Even though this short post has provided just a glimpse of what life was like back then, our lives now couldn't be more different. We've come a long way from those constant struggles and traumas. Nowadays, our life is filled with nothing but bliss.
As you look back at old photos, it's crucial to remember that they only capture a fraction of your journey. Behind each smile frozen in time lies a story of resilience, growth, and overcoming the daily battles. Life isn't just about the happy moments captured in pictures; it's also about the struggles and challenges that have shaped us into who we are today.
So, the next time you're reminiscing, take a moment to reflect on how far you've come and the strength you've shown in overcoming obstacles. By embracing both the ups and downs, we can gain a deeper appreciation for the present moment and the love that surrounds us. It's in acknowledging the full spectrum of our experiences that we can truly treasure the richness of life.
