Married to autim

Marriage is hard - says almost everyone who's being truthful. It's especially difficult if you are autistic or married to an autistic person.

Many people don't understand what it's like to be married to someone who has autism because they have never been in that situation before. You might think it would be easy, but it isn't always - I know, because I’m autistic.

There are some good things about being married to an autistic person and some bad things too. For example, I’m fun to be around, and my lack of social etiquette and extreme boldness have gotten us into some VIP events, as well as receiving many free things. Yet, I know my husband can get very frustrated when I don’t understand something or when it feels like I’m acting selfishly. Knowing that I’ve upset him inadvertently can send me into a mental spiral and create a meltdown.

It’s the worst pain to feel when I realise I've caused someone else’s suffering. But I know he loves me and wants our relationship together to keep growing stronger. We've both invested in making sure this happens, despite my neurodiversity.

Neurodiversity was once a niche term for autism and other neurological conditions, but it has recently become a more mainstream way to think about the brain.

Autism isn't just about thinking differently, or even being different; it's about being different in a good way. If you're neurodivergent - that is, if you have a brain that processes information differently from others — then you are perfectly normal.

What does this mean for us? As an autistic parent with neurodiverse children, I want my kids to be happy and successful, which means embracing my children's differences rather than trying to change them into something they're not meant to be.

We should all strive to live in ways that allow people with different mindsets and abilities to thrive around us—and this can only happen if we recognize their unique needs and provide them with support where it is needed, and a copious amount of understanding.

Neurodivergent people are those who think differently than neurotypical people. We may have trouble processing language or understanding other people's intentions. Usually, these differences result in social awkwardness and sensory overload, which may cause panicky feelings of isolation or depression.

I often experience social hangovers after a night out with friends, or simply interacting with the world around me. However, my autism is also my superpower, as it allows me to solve problems that others find impossible to solve, and my brutal honesty helps me to coach others to become their best selves.

Being married to a neurodivergent person can sometimes be challenging, but there are advantages too. The downside is that you will have to go through the good times and bad times together. It's not always easy to live with someone who has a different way of thinking from most people, but it can be rewarding.

Neurodivergent people can be more honest than neurotypical people, and sometimes that candour is refreshing (or so I’ve been told). We are also often more direct than most folks are, which can help both of you stay focused on what needs doing in any given situation.

The world can seem overwhelming to a neurodivergent person because of our unique ways of viewing the world. Some of us also have trouble with social interactions, following routine tasks, and adapting to change.

As you can imagine, if your partner is neurodivergent (or any of these things applies to you), it's going to be challenging at times. But don't worry! There are ways of making life easier on all of us—we just need some support from our loved ones around us who understand what we're going through (like your spouse).

Marriage is about sticking with your spouse through thick and thin, and that includes helping them with things that can be challenging for them. You need patience and understanding while they figure out how they feel, or what something means, or why they've done something. As long as there is love between two people who are meant for each other there shouldn't be anything stopping anyone from being together no matter how difficult it may seem initially (or even later).

When John and I got married, we were both teenagers and immature. Furthermore, we didn’t know I was autistic – in fact; I was misdiagnosed with post-natal depression and received psychiatric intervention for 7 years after the birth of our second son. This put a significant amount of pressure on our marriage, as well as on us both individually. It was a really, really, tough time as we were both still growing up and discovering ourselves, while at the same time raising a young family, trying to navigate the adult world, and deal with my depression.

No one knew what was wrong with me, hence the longevity of the intervention. If only they knew that I’d developed depression because of trying to manage the effects and symptoms of my autism throughout my life. I feel angry that the professionals were not educated enough about autism, and even more so that autism was previously thought of as a disorder that only boys had.

The good news is, that since discovering that I am autistic, I feel liberated and understand why I behave in the way I do. For my husband too, he’s realised that I’m not actually selfish, heartless, or ignorant–I was essentially in survival mode because of my autism. He has since learned how to recognize when I need extra support with something, and he helps me without making me feel like I’m incapable of doing things myself.